merrill whatley

Look, I’m from Alabama. But the man who did sports while spitting dip juice into his coke can was a better sportscaster than Jim Hill and all of LA’s CBS2 Sports Central (insert lightning logo here!) team. Here’s a recap of their March Madness recap:

• - “UCLA plays Alabama at 5 pm on Saturday, Live on CBS2!”
• - They never showed, on-screen, the final score of a game. They would say it in passing, but they’d show highlights until they tired of it — say, when Team A was up 52-49 at the half over Team B — and then Jim would mumble, “And Team B scored 10 unanswered at the end to win it by 3.”
• - “Steve, UConn’s struggle really points out what a great job UCLA did against Belmont.”
• - I should point out I’m not making this up: they misspelled “Madness.” The PowerPoint template they used to show tomorrow’s game schedule said “MARCH MADNES 2006″ at the top of each “slide.” You’d see “MARCH MADNES 2006: TEAM A vs. TEAM C” and then they’d have this awesome cyclonic Sports Central logo flash on the screen at the sound of a passing jet, dissolving to the next game — “MARCH MADNES 2006: TEAM E vs. TEAM G.”
• - We’re gonna have to see how Thursday’s bomb threat in San Diego before the early game will affect UCLA tomorrow in their 5 PM game LIVE HERE ON CBS 2 versus Alabama.

In downtown Dothan, there’s a clothing store that’s been there since the 70’s called SuperBad. In the 90’s, SuperBad had a secret meeting of all their top scientists, and they created a smooth robot who anchors Dothan’s news station. If you’re ever in Dothan, watch the news — you’ll see what I mean.

There are times when I’ve been at home and it’s clear that the SuperBad News Robot is the only entity at the station during the broadcast, controlling camera changes with his robotic stare. Did he eliminate the others on the news team? Is he holding morning show host Ann Varnum hostage in the WTVY basement? Is he reading our minds at home?

Anyway, the SuperBad news robot? Better than the pros here in my hometown of Los Angeles.